The following week saw the agency's Thanksgiving distribution, which was surprisingly robust, as well as four Energy appointments and one employment intake. What is not reflected is the amount of behind-the-scenes work necessary to prepare for the distribution, which I am expected to contribute to (although in fairness, the reporting and paperwork does not fall on my shoulders). I remember the scores of phone calls I made to clients informing them of the date and time, for instance, and the headaches associated.
On the cusp of December, the agency staff met to discuss ways to reorganize our services to meet existing funding realities...or so I thought. In a field characterized by cautious and responsible husbandry of resources and time, the approach to our palette of services epitomizes restraint. I assumed this meeting would be an opportunity to voice concern, frustration, and vision for future agency work but in reality it was anything but. I found myself at a peak of frustration with my role in the agency as well as it's larger mission and this has characterized my work here since.
As December endures, I've been considering my level of effort with respect to my accomplishments as well as those of my clients. I have long prided myself on my professionalism and my insistence on giving 100% of myself and my commitment to my work, for the eight hours that it lasts, of course. As some of my clients have begun to make strides in their lives, I reflect on how relatively little I have done in regard to moving people forward. Of course, a fraction of this is the fact that social workers engage with people at the nadir of their lives and frustration and failure is to be expected. At the same time, it's impossible not to feel constrained in the role I have.
Over the past two weeks, I completed a single Dollar Energy appointment and found myself contributing more to pulling off the Holiday gift card and toy distribution. This entailed more phone calls, more reporting, and more physical packing of toys and a troubling trend that arose was that I enjoyed this work less than last year. This is particularly important because it is through this event where toys are given to low-income children that the most kudos and gratitude arise. I found myself rather indifferent to how the toys were received and more concerned with simply finishing the task at hand. It raises the lingering question if I've come to a crossroads in my early career of place or attitude.
Your work is so highly valued. I hope that, as long as you stay there, you are able to find comfort in the fact that you are doing good in the lives of others. I love you and am so proud of you.